1. What if my husband isn’t submitting to the Lord?
This is a very broad question which to answer will require some clarification. Is your husband is a genuinely converted believer? As a Christian, how would your husband describe his spiritual growth and walk with the Lord? Is he sensitive to the things of the Lord? Is he humble and aware of his weaknesses and need for growth? Would he agree that he isn’t submitting to the Lord? What is the nature of his lack of submission? Is he refusing to yield to clear biblical commands? Are you interpreting a difference of opinion with him as a refusal to submit to the Lordship and will of Christ? Is the area or issue in question an issue of biblical principles or is it a question of expediency? If your husband is clearly not following biblical principles and/or commands, is he aware of it? Have you both discussed it? Is he willing to consider his lack of submission or is he unwilling to confront it? Generally, if your husband is a believer but refusing to submit to clear biblical instructions (for example, let’s say he is stealing from his company) and he is unwilling to talk about it or he is making excuses for his sinful behavior, then your responsibility to lovingly and confront him about it. As his wife, you should pray about the right time and right opportunity to bring up the issue. If this is where you are at, I recommend reading the following article: Hope for Troubled Marriages. Your focus should be on following Matthew 18 (see the article “About Church Discipline” for more information on applying Matthew 18). What if you don’t have any clear-cut evidence that he is not submitting to Christ? What if you just sense in him a growing ambivalence toward the Lord and the things of the Lord? Pray about it. Ask the Lord for wisdom and insight. If after prayer you still feel the same, talk to him about it. His response to a gentle, loving, and honest approach will tell you a lot about where he really is spiritually.
2. What if my husband isn’t stepping up to take responsibility to lead?
First of all, don’t get discouraged! Pray for him. Love him. Encourage him. Resist the urge to take the lead. He needs to know how you feel and specifically where and how he needs to be a spiritual leader. There are right and wrong ways to do this, of course. The following article offers great advice: A Word to Wives Who Desire Husbands to Lead Spiritually. Your job is to encourage and help him to lead without manipulating him or giving up on him.
3. What if I am naturally the better leader?
You might very well be a naturally more gifted leader than he. But remember, capability doesn’t always equal calling! God called you to come under his leadership regardless of his natural giftedness or skill in leading. But also remember that good leaders know how to be good followers. Leadership is influence. As his helper, you are called to influence him toward godly leadership. As hard as it may be to fight off the temptation to assume command, you must rely on the grace of God to help you rechannel your energy into helping him lead.
4. What if he lacks wisdom and discernment in making good choices?
It is likely that one or both of you have made some really poor choices during your marriage. Perhaps he has made a series of bad calls. Maybe he has absolutely blown every major decision that he has had to make. If this is true, then you have undoubtedly been affected by the results of these poor choices and you don’t want that to happen again. I understand. But remember Matthew 18:21-35. To the degree that you have experienced forgiveness, you need to forgive. To the degree that God has shown you love and mercy, you also need to show your husband love and mercy. That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t need to grow in the area of wisdom and discernment. It just means that in order for him to grow, he is going to need to have more opportunities to learn (and fail) in this area. Pray for him to grow in wisdom. Encourage him to gather advice and input from other wise and spiritually mature believers (Prov. 11:14; 24:6). Talk to him constructively about some of the decisions that you think could have been handled better. Give him advice without being contrarian and without being disrespectful (Eph. 5:33). Offer up a different point of view and help him to think through the likely results and consequences of the choices ahead of both of you. If the matter is not one of biblical principle but rather personal preference of expediency and, after listening to your advice, goes a different way that you would have gone, you still must support him. Remember, God will hold him responsible for his decisions and leadership of the family.
5. What if my husband doesn’t deserve respect?
Trust takes a long time to build in a marriage. But it can be lost in a moment. Husbands and wives must remember that their spouse’s trust is earned and is a precious treasure. Often in marriages, wives refuse to follow their husband’s lead because their husbands have squandered the trust and faith of their wives. Perhaps your husband has behaved in a way that has lost your respect. Perhaps he has broken your trust. If this is the case, then you are going to have a very hard time listening to him or yielding to him as a leader. If this is where you are, then you both need help. You need to talk to your pastor or a Christian counselor about it. But consider this: even if you feel he doesn’t deserve respect, God calls you to respect his position as head of the home. You are called to follow him “out of reverence for Christ”. You can’t change him; you can only control your own attitude and behavior. Remember that Jesus instructed people to respect their teachers though he clearly disagreed with them and had issues with their leadership (Matt. 23:1-3). This isn’t easy. It will require grace from God to obey the Lord. But God promises to provide all the grace we need (2 Cor. 9:8).
6. What if my husband abuses his authority? Is there ever a time when it is right to refuse to submit to his authority?
If your husband ever asks you (or commands you) to do something that clearly violates biblical commands, then you are under no obligation whatsoever to follow his lead in this. In fact, your responsibility is to speak the truth in love to him and point out the problem. It is appropriate to respond by saying, “You have no right to command me to do this. I cannot follow you into obvious disobedience to the will of the Lord. I am asking you to reconsider your direction because you are headed where I am not allowed to follow.” If your husband abuses his authority by becoming abusive, verbally, emotionally, physically, or spiritually, you need to take action. First, you must be safe. If your husband physically assaults you or threatens to do so you need to get to safety immediately and/or contact the police. Domestic violence is a crime. God has established police and government to deal with this kind of behavior. It is NEVER permissible for either spouse to physically abuse their spouse or any other members of the family. The following article from Focus on the Family addresses the matter well: My Spouse is Abusive: What Do I Do? If you still have questions as to what constitutes physical, verbal, emotional, or spiritual abuse, please contact me.
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